The last few weeks I’ve been struggling with acceptance, confidence, depression, and anger. I’m questioning the place I’m at in my life and I’m unsure if I’m heading in the right direction. This isn’t the first time I’ve questioned which road I’m traveling down. I’ve been struggling with finding the right path for a long time. I’m not sure what I want to do with my life and it’s frustrating.  I’m going to tackle these things one at a time.

The Lord has heard my cry for mercy; the Lord accepts my prayer. All my enemies will be overwhelmed with shame and anguish; they will turn back and suddenly be put to shame –Psalm 6:9-10

Acceptance: what does that mean to you? For a while I thought it meant that I needed to be accepted into the “inner circle” to feel appreciated/loved/wanted. I don’t feel like that at AIM.  I’ve felt accepted from day one. I know a lot of the girls I coach in high school struggle with acceptance from their peers. I know I did in school and I still do when it comes to school. I don’t need acceptance from other people to make me feel worthy. I am worthy. The Lord accepts me no matter my faults and no matter my sins. His is the only acceptance I need. However, it is difficult to walk that way. That’s where confidence comes in.

Confidence: I’ve always struggled with my confidence. I doubt myself a lot and it drives me crazy. How can I walk confidently in the Holy Spirit when I can’t walk confidently in who I am? I’m still discovering who I am and I think I will be for a while. For some reason, I don’t have the confidence to go forward with what I want to do. I don’t know if it’s the fear of failing or the fear of success. One of my friends said, “The life of a Christian is not easy…it’s not the most taken path.” She makes a good point. It’s so easy to walk down the wrong path and have things handed to you, not really work hard, and be “happy.” Well, I’m not ok with that. I would rather take the path less traveled, filled with potholes and obstacles, where I have to struggle to stay on my feet…just for the glory that is at the end of that road.  Of course there are going to be times where I fall and have to start from the beginning, but I am confident in myself enough to know that I can make it successfully down that path.

In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith – of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire – may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls. – 1 Peter 1:6-9

Depression: I was flipping through my bible a couple minutes ago trying to find a verse that would correlate with depression and came across the above passage. That puts my feelings about depression into perspective. Yeah, I’ve struggled with depression for a long time, but I know I won’t always have to deal with it. The Lord has been testing my faith in Him for years. Years. The second part of that passage really hits me. I have no doubt in my mind that God has my back. My best days recently have been when I come to work and hear stories about the way the Lord is moving in the world. We have an amazing God and He likes to reveal himself to us at our lowest times.  Weird things happen on the days I’m really bummed. Like I’ll get a response to my blog and make a new friend or I’ll have a long talk about the Lord with someone who is questioning Him and seeking Him.  All of these things just confirm my beliefs.

Anger: My depression sometimes leads to anger. Anger that I was hurt by someone I trusted, that I still think about all of the negative things that happened, that this keeps coming back and bothering me. It usually hits me when I least expect it, when my guard is down. The devil knows how the little things that will make me depressed and angry. I know I have to rebuke those thoughts. It’s difficult when you’re that low to try and think positively. I’ve gotten better at it, but I still need someone to remind me to take it all to the Lord. He’s the only one that can fix the brokenness that’s within me. I have to give the problem to Him and not worry about it anymore. That’s the hardest part. He wants me to seek His comfort and He wants to talk to me…I just have to listen.

In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety. – Psalm 4:8